It has been some time since I have written here or even in general to many of you my dear brothers and sisters back in the States. For many of you it is as if though I have fallen off the face of the earth or something. It is here and now I wish to speak to you all concerning why. It is my hearts desire that in the complete honesty of this post you may only be encouraged in your own journey with God and life spent in pursuit of His glory.
Some of you may already know how this past month and a half have been a most trying and difficult time for both my family and I. One such issue has been sickness. I have just spent the last month (literally the entire month) in the fight against one ailments after another (Sinus infection, Bacterial infection and food poisoning). It has been during this time that I have spent almost this entire month in bed and have lost an incredible amount of weight due to much of my symptoms and inability to keep food in. Both Misty (while also being pregnant) and Josiah have also succumbed to many infections as well. Elijah has been the most healthy of us all and even he just got over some sort of rash that came over his entire body striping him of all his energy. This has left us weak in more ways than one and we are thankful to report that we all seem finally on the mend.
Along with all this sickness has come much stress over visa situations, two trips out of the country, unknown and unplanned expenses, difficulties among the culture in which we live and family issues that come with all such moving around and not truly knowing what else is coming our way.
Without going into all the details, I want to express to you all how utterly weak, spiritually depressed, hopeless, bitter and beat down all this has left me. I am ashamed and regret that this has become the outcome of such a trying month. However, it is in this regret and shame that the Lord is teaching me a huge lesson in our service for His glory here.
Being in a land not your own, among a language not your own, in a culture not your own is enough in and of itself and can add a great deal of stress on anyone. The loneliness in such a place as this can often bring great sadness upon many who work in such locations. Oh, how Misty and I long for the fellowship of other brothers and sisters as we once had with many of you. How we wish that there was a congregation that we could call family here. We are so desperate for true Christian community. We have such fond memories of you all. It has been a sweat reward and blessing to have been so close to you in true Christian community. You never truly realize how powerful fellowship in a local body (with all it's imperfections even) are until you don't even have such a choice or opportunity to meet in one. I pray that when Sunday morning roles around you see it for what it truly is. Namely a privilege, a gift and an honor.
Sadly in the course of this month my heart has also grown cold for my love of these people in which I serve as well. I am often lied to, taken advantage of and totally overcome by the corruption that seems to run so rampant within peoples lives here. on top of all this I have all around me the massive oppression of Islam constantly in my face screaming at me to conform, much like a drop of water that drips over and over again until it drives a man mad. In the course of this month I have felt that these people are the most rude, disrespectful, oppressive people I have ever come to ever meet and therefore, I have often placed my attentions back on thoughts of home and all the things I perceive that I have given up to come to this far away land.
It is thanksgiving season and Misty and I miss the traditions spent with her family in Tennessee. Soon after this will be Christmas and how we long for the sights and sounds that are associated with this season. We have begun thinking about the food and fellowship that we are leaving behind as well. Salsaritas. How it has just become another hunting season in Texas once more and how I will miss yet another wonderful experience with my boys and friends such as Doc Cawley. How Misty misses her little house in Graham, Texas with its backyard, sidewalks and parks on what seems like every corner. How we miss being able to drive in a car. Chick-Fil-A. How we miss the exciting times in fellowship and growth with both Basswood and Graham Bible Church. How I miss coffee with Pastor Ronnie talking theology and times spent in prayer and pouring out my heart with my dear brother Reagan Kelley. How Misty misses running water and being able to take a bath in water that has not just come out of the sewer. How Misty longs to laugh along so many dear friends and ladies over the most trivial of things. Oh, how I could go on and on for hours.....lol.
What The Lord Is Teaching me:
Now for the cold hard truth. Brothers and sisters..... some how in the course of this month I have lost or better yet allowed my Joy in Christ and His glory to be high jacked and overshadowed with other thoughts. I have allowed sicknesses, stresses, culture and earthly trappings to steal from me what should be my true reason for coming to a land such as this in the first place. I have allowed the age old enemies of the world, the flesh and the devil to distract me from abiding in the true enjoyment of my soul. Namely Christ and His glory and the great privilege that has been given me that I should go fourth as His servant here on earth.
Instead of watching and warring through prayer and abiding in Christ's word, I have simply got busy feeling sorry for myself. As if I have made some sort of sacrifice. One in which the pay off is not seen as worth it. Something that could not be farther from the truth. Jonathan Edwards has written:
“The enjoyment of [God] is the only happiness with which our souls can be satisfied. To go to heaven, fully to enjoy God, is infinitely better than the most pleasant accommodations here. Fathers and mothers, husbands, wives, or children, or the company of earthly friends, are but shadows; but God is the substance. These are but scattered beams, but God is the sun. These are but streams. But God is the ocean.” - Jonathan Edwards
I am ashamed to admit that in my sickness and stress I had gotten lazy in my pursuit of God. I am ashamed to say that I had allowed Satan to lead me to see all the problems in this culture as issues somehow particular to Indonesians and Muslims and not as it truly is. A problem of sin and a people who are totally lost and helpless apart from a Savior. Ashamed that my focus was brought to the place of earthly joys and happiness and not my overarching abiding joy and happiness in Christ and His glory here on earth. Jonathan Edwards has also written:
“True virtue never appears so lovely as when it is most oppressed; and the divine excellency of real Christianity is never exhibited with such advantage as when under the greatest trials; then it is that true faith appears much more precious than gold, and upon this account is "found to praise and honor and glory.” - Jonathan Edwards
Friends I need your prayers more than ever in recent days. Pray that in difficulties and trails (which in my case are so very trivial to what so many face and experience) that I would be found not in depression, joylessness, bitterness and in stress. Pray that I will have found my sole Joy in Christ alone and His glory and that I will become steadfast in my pursuit to bring God glory in any and every circumstance.
I now wish to leave you with this list below. This list is now placed upon my wall as a guide in helping me remember what is most important as I seek to find my Joy found namely in God alone! My prayer is that you also will fight for joy as well....... Not so much to receive it as in keeping it. Blessings to you all. We truly miss and love you and pray for you continually.
How Shall We Fight For Joy?: an adapted list from John Piper
1. Realize that authentic joy in Christ is a gift.
2. Realize the joy must be fought for relentlessly.
3. Resolve to attack all known sin in your life.
4. Learn the secret of gutsy conviction - fighting as one in need of grace daily.
5. Realize that the battle is primarily a fight to see God as He truly is.
6. Meditate on the Word of God day and night.
7. Pray desperately and continually for wisdom and an inclination for God.
8. Learn to preach to yourself rather than find satisfaction in merely hearing yourself.
9. Spend time with God-saturated people who will lovingly and honestly spurn you on in this fight.
10. Be patient in the night of God's seeming absence.
11. Get the rest, exercise and proper diet that your body was designed to have.
12. Make a proper use of God's revelation in nature (get outside).
13. Read great books about God and biographies of those who have gone before us.
14. Do the difficult and loving things (witness in truth and mercy) for the sake of others.
15. Get a global vision for the cause of Christ (Pour yourself out for the nations).
